Deep Within All Are Happy (with Violin)

The electronic music was made while raging after a seizure occurred. Then my dear friend Laurence Stevenson played his violin over it. With Laurence’s addition, this song speaks so clearly of the feelings epilepsy moves within my heart. Thank you, Laurence, for your understanding. I am so deeply grateful.


Deep Within, All Are Happy

Ok – I’m in a mood. I am so tired of this epilepsy and I know letting it out in this sound will help me today. This piece is rough and I made it in less than an hour. But it helps me. Thank God for expression through electronic music.

Lacosamide Trip — downtempo

Last Thursday, we increased my lacosamide (an anti-seizure drug aka Vimpat) to 150 mg morning and night. Friday, I was incredibly tired and slept five hours in the afternoon, even though I had slept nine hours the night before. Saturday, the unfortunate psychological side effects occurred: intense depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. Yet somehow, on another level, I knew those feelings couldn’t be real. It was so strange. Luckily, there were many loved ones around to help.

Sunday, even though I couldn’t reach the neurologist’s office, I cut back to 100 mg twice a day and am feeling much better now, though still tired. The nurse-practitioner got in touch on Monday and let me know that was a good move and that we’ll consult with the doctor soon. I find it hard to understand how such a small increase could cause such a huge effect, but so it is.

To help me feel better, I made this song.

Cluster — downtempo

Was feeling down and cloudy today due to an increase in Vimpat (anti-seizure drug). So I made a new track on soundcloud: “Sometimes the sharks come in clusters, too. But you have to keep swimming, dear one. It will be okay in the long run. Trust us.” 


Post-Ictal – ambient

Had a partial seizure of some kind on the subway this afternoon. It’s the first time I’ve had one in public since surgery in October 2012. And unfortunately, I was alone. No one else seemed to notice, as no one said anything. I’m glad it wasn’t grand mal. I guess the nocturnal only phase might be ending.

Anyhow, this is how I feel today.

subtlebeing on soundcloud

Intrinsic — downtempo

This song started when I was thinking about more dreams I’ve had about seizures. Sometimes, there are sweet creatures and beings that I am seeing after a long time. For the song, I made electronic samples imagining different ones. Then I played my flute on top of the mix, picturing that as me talking to them.

I’m trying again to do the live flute playing over electronic creation. It’s not easy! But oh well, I’m having fun.

subtlebeing on soundcloud

She Plays With Monsters – downtempo

Sometimes interesting stories unfold in the dreams that happen during seizures. They are hard to describe, but in these dreams I have seen strange monsters. The monsters can be scary in the moment, but later one can see that they are just like the imaginations we have while playing as a child.

As I’m sure you can hear, I am still new at creating electronic music and still have much to learn. I would love to hear your thoughts.

I created the music on TNR-i and then mixed it with this beautiful recording of children playing by AGFX from Vancouver.

subtlebeing on soundcloud